Cornell Hoops investigated by the NCAA

Cornell Hoops Team Under Investigation




Cornell's run in the Sweet 16 may be tarnished after reports surfaced today that all 13 players on the roster have been given elite educations that all but guarantee high-paying jobs after they leave the school. "It's important to remember that right now these are only allegations -- allegations that we are looking into," said NCAA president James Isch. "But, obviously, if true, this would be very disappointing. The NCAA has certain expectations and standards. It's not fair for players at one school to be given expensive educations while athletes at other member schools receive basic, remedial instruction that is worth essentially nothing." According to documents seized from the school's registrar's office, Big Red players have received an education worth $39,450 per year -- or $52,316 including room and board -- totaling more than $200,000 over a four-year career.



Compare that to player at a school like Kentucky, where tuition is set at $4,051 -- but with an actual value far below that. “I don't want to say too much until these reports are confirmed," said Calipari. "But we're talking about more than a $150,000 difference in education per player -- and that's even if my players stayed four years or graduated, which many of them do not. Then these Cornell players are reportedly stepping into six-figure jobs after graduation while my kids, if they don't make the NBA, have absolutely no job prospects or life skills. It's far from a balanced playing field. They are buying the best players by giving them a high-priced education." In addition to the allegations that they were given an expensive education, many Cornell players have been spotted around campus holding books, studying and engaging in interesting conversations. Others have been seen with people who are known to not be tutors. Cornell point guard Louis Dale, who is reportedly enrolled in the College of Human Ecology, denied allegations that the Big Red program is cheating. "The discourse on this matter is fatuous and inane," he said, only implicating his program further….

At least credit the original source.

[www.sportspickle.com]

Couldn't this have waited until next Thursday?

Beeeej
At least credit the original source.

[www.sportspickle.com]

At least we can spell plagiarism

Then there's this one:

Cornell Drains Fun Out Of Cinderella Run By Explaining How On A Long Enough Timeline The Improbable Becomes Probable

SYRACUSE, NY—Despite overcoming long odds as the lowest seed remaining in the NCAA Tournament, Cornell's basketball team had on Wednesday squandered most of its underdog goodwill by using every opportunity to explain that, given a finite set of possible outcomes and a sufficient period of time, the sheer quantity of opportunities available to accomplish an improbable outcome makes its achievement likely if not almost certain. "It'd be foolish to ascribe any of the properties of a pan-dimensional function space to the NCAA Tournament," said Cornell center Jeff Foote, who has averaged 14 points per game in the first two rounds. "However, bear in mind that we're not talking about a null probability space. With eight teams in the Ivy League and 65 in the tournament, you eventually run out of possible permutations. One could even make the case for historical inevitability; we won, so we were always going to win. I think my good friend Baron d'Holbach would agree—that's decidedly nonzero. Decidedly." Foote excused himself after the interview upon receiving a fifth rejection-of-transfer letter from Harvard.

[www.theonion.com]